I am not fleeing you God, rather, I am seeking you. I just can’t find you where people normally go to look. So I head into the wilderness. Not the natural wilderness where the rules are simple: in order to live I must eat something, so that something must die. It lives on through me and sustains my potential. But its potential ceases.
No, I am headed into the wilderness of my mind, where conscious and subconscious meet. Probing, resting quietly to see what appears, waiting for you to reveal something to me. Not yourself, I couldn’t stand the shock. But something for me to hold onto, to explore, to examine. Some truth to guide me through this life. I know the easy part is plainly apparent in your revelation and I accept that at face value. But you are a complex God and there is more to explore, to understand. I stand nearer to the edge of eternity then ever before. I am ready when your time for me comes.
I don’t find that in places where people go to worship you. I find fellowship, and teaching there. I find emotional connection with like minded people there. But I don’t find you. I don’t claim that you aren’t present, just that you are not apparent to me. Too many distractions and too much frustration.
So I go into the wilderness of my mind. I need to study your revelation, undistracted by worldly temptations and struggles. Where can I go to be undisturbed? For some it is a state of mind among chaos. I cannot see you through the chaos.
I know where I can find peace. But that decision is not mine to make, the timing not mine to take. So I wait patiently – at least I have learned that lesson, perhaps all to well. I now border on indifference as to your timing. I can’t rush it, though I can force a decision upon you. Not your decision, but a decision none-the-less. For us, stuck here in space and time, sometimes the wrong action is preferable to no action. The known to the unknown. I suspect this is one reason the abused stay with their abuser, the neglected with the neglectful. Something, even a bad thing, is better than no thing.
Written in early May 2021